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Strange a$$ dream...

So I have very messed up dreams. Seriously, they are stranger then I. But I always have strange dreams. So strange dreams become normal for me and therefor not strange. Follow me?

My strange dreams are my normal dreams and my normal dreams would be my strange dreams. If you're still with me, good. If not, ask yourself how on Earth are we friends?

Well last night I had a strange dream. Which is really a normal dream but for me normal dreams are strange dreams, hence why I call it a strange dream.

In the dream, I wake up and sit straight up. Very normal like. Exactly how I would wake up if I was actually waking up for real. I look around half dazed, half confused, half pissed and half hungry. Yes I realize that all my halfs make two wholes but I'm a special kinda guy so I its all good in the hood.

Then I lay right back down but wake up 20 minutes later. I get up and drag my feet to the bathroom to take care of, uhh, well, some business. All very normal. Nothing strange yet. Which is kind of strange. Ya digg?

And then, oh I forgot to mention. In my dream I am in a hotel in India. I am in India for work. Staying at the Hilton Trident. A nice ass hotel but I swear if they ask me one more time if I would like my bed turned down, I'm gonna go Gandhi on their ass.

In my dreams its 2:42 AM and I have nothing to do so I get on the computer. Again, all very normal. Which, like I said, is very strange.

I check my e-mail and I see some people left comments on the pictures I put up and on my commnt. So I sign on to Facebook. And then, while I am on Facebook, I realize that I had a really strange dream so I decide to write a note about it for the world to see how strangely normal my dream was.

So I start writing a note and I tittle it "Strange a$$ dream..." and then I start writing "So I have very messed"...............wait

just a minute.....this isn't a dream. FUCK! I'm actually awake. Typing all this nonsense. I'm sorry guys. This wasn't a dream after all. And yet, I am fully aware that I am not dreaming, yet I am still typing.

Not sure what's wrong with me. I must be out of it. I know something is wrong with me though. And isn't that like the first step? Admitting that something is wrong

I don't know what the second step is though but I am pretty sure it involves chocolate, or sex. Or maybe a little of both. Or hopefully a lot of both. Seriously. All second steps should involve a lot of both. Life would be better if it did. If only.

Like Rufus Wainwright sang in his song Instant Pleasure: "I don't want somebody to love me. Just give me sex and candy." Okay so those aren't the words but everyone that knows me knows I make up my own lyrics. I think my version is better anyway. And for those of you who don't know me, how the hell are you reading my note? You have to be my friend to read my note and we wouldn't be friends if you didn't know me. Are you stalking me? If so, cool. I always wanted a stalker. I also always wanted a strainer so I could strain things. Oh to dream. Perchance to sleep. Or is it "to sleep, perchance to dream" ?

"ay, there's the rub."

Grub? Did someone say grub? Damn I'm hungry.

This is what happens when I get bored...

I've never seen you in this light before,
But now that I have, I cannot ignore.
For I want to hold and be with thee,
But instead you've been so cruel to me.

Your seductive eyes, your sexy face,
They knock me out like a can of mace.
Your luscious mouth, your velvet lips,
The perfect curves made by your hips.

And I can feel them from a mile away,
Like a rose's petal in the month of may.
And I can feel you upon my skin,
Like the soothing sound of a violin.

Your body perfect, like a work for art,
I'd hold it near, close to my heart.
I'd say something to make you smile,
In hopes that you would stay a while.

Man, I wish I knew why I felt like this,
Cause a moment with you is eternal bliss.
Life and love are meant to be shared,
But I've never told you how much I cared.

And since the day that we first met,
I have lived with this one regret.
Cause I never tried to make a move,
Cause I thought that you would disapprove.

Maybe I have missed my chance,
To share with you a romantic dance.
But alls not lost, were still good friends,
I just hope this isn't how the story ends.

Screw the sandbox, my brother taught me about life.

I was not the best of older brothers when I was younger. In fact, if you asked my brother he could probably paint you a field of words that describe how bad I was. Back then I was to angry and stupid to care. In hind site, calling me an ass hole would be an understatement.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my brother and I would like to think that we have a pretty good relationship now. In fact, I think I have a better relationship with my brother then most people have with their siblings.

I have a bad memory so I am not sure when I went from nice adorable son to a prick of an older brother but I think it all started when I was 5 and he was 2. We were in the basement of my grandmothers house. He was playing who knows what. I was reading a book to my mother on the couch, The Velveteen Rabbit I think. I was proud as hell I was reading a book to my mother.

Well, and I am saying this now as if I was the 5 year old back then saying it (in other words, if this was a movie we just faded away from the present and were showing a scene from the past), my brother tried to take MY mothers attention from ME by showing her something. Well this irked me. Hell, it pissed me off.

If you can't tell, I think even back then I knew my brother was, how to say, smarter then I. And I think my mother realized this, which is what made me mad (Mom, if you're reading this, you didn't do anything wrong with me, it is just the truth).

So I was sitting there reading and my brother does it again. He beckons for my mothers attention. Well that did it for me. I took that book, that hard back book, and hit him across the head with it. Yes, yes, you are probably shaking your head in disgust at me but keep in mind I DID admit I WAS an ass hole.

I hit him on the head and what do I do? I continue reading like nothing happened. What I didn't notice was that my brother was bleeding and he had to go to the hospital and get stitches. I can remember that I was so pissed because yet again my younger brother managed to take MY mothers attention away from ME. I was mad.

And that is what started an on going event of torture, beatings, name callings from me to him. I am not proud of what I did but I will tell you now, if I had a chance to travel back in time and change it, I would do exactly the same thing I did. You will see why in a bit.

Over the years I would keep breaking him down. Hitting him, if not physically, then verbally. I would even gang up on him with my older cousin. I felt a thrill. I actually believed that he got what he deserved.

He even had this thing he would say every time I used my strength to bully him. "Higher learning curve." He would do or say something to trick me so I would stand there like an idiot trying to figure out what he said. And when I finally figured it out, it was too late for me to bully him. And he would just say "higher learning curve". Oh how that phrase pissed the hell out of me.

Then something changed. He got to high school. I was a senior. And everything he had is everything I had wanted. Friends. He managed to make more friends in 5 minutes then I made in 3 years. It was a bitch.

But I learned something about my brother that day. No matter how much I beat him down, no matter how many times I kicked him when he was down, he always, and I do mean always, managed to stand up stronger and climb all over me like I was a stepping stone.

I learned a valuable lesson through him. In fact, this lesson changed my entire life for me. The way I lived my life. The way I perceived things. The way other people affected me. The way I affected other people. On a tangent, if my brother is reading this, he is probably already making a list of spelling and grammatical mistakes I have made so he can leave them in a comment along with a witty remark (oh the pressures on now boy!). Heh.

I learned that no matter how hard you fall or how many times you fall you can rise back up better then when you fell. I was stronger then him so it was easy for me to push him down. He would stand up and make a joke so good that it would knock me on my ass so hard.

He was writing intricate poems (one that was about how bad a brother I was, and a damn good poem if you ask me) that would make college graduates shudder when I was still figuring out how to spell elephant. He was telling jokes so good that my insides would split open, even though I was to angry to laugh out loud.

I didn't learn anything in the sandbox. I learned everything I ever needed to know about how to survive from him. I had heard the phrase "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" but he taught me what it means. Better yet, he taught me, when life hands you lemons, make a joke comparing lemons to George Bush's face that would make people laugh and let them buy you a lemonade.

When people would push me down, I would stand back up, brush the dirt of my shoulder, and go on with my life. And before I knew it, those people were coming to me for help. Asking me for help on their homework or with their computer. Words were never exchanged but I could see the sorry in their eyes. And some people never learned, but those people don't matter. I am not one to wish bad on anyone but those are the same people who are unhappy with how their life turned out. I didn't care for them back then, and I don't care for them now.

I think, in the end, both him and I are better for what went on when we were younger. He is a smart ass kid with 3 majors and a minor and a wit worthy of TV. And he can have almost any job he wants (I don't care how good he is, he will never be a gold medalist winner for the woman's Olympic events). And I'm not doing that bad myself. I'm happy with my life and that's what matters. I wouldn't change anything of my past. Except maybe I wish I learned the lesson a lot sooner so I could be half as funny as he looks.

"Do you know why we fall sir? So that we might better learn to pick ourselves up."

"Chicken" finally speaks...

I'm here in (location removed at the request of Frank) at the home of "Chicken" who has chosen to come forward and finally speak about his life, his decision to cross the road and his new book "Where's the damn road?"

It's a rather dark and dreary house with no lights except for one lamp sitting on a table with what appears to be a few weeks old scrambled eggs in a pizza box. Chicken sits in a large lounge chair smoking a cigar and wearing one of those hats guys used to wear in the 40s.

Me: Hello Chicken. I would like to take this time to thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to hold an interview with me. You have no idea how...

Chicken: (in a deep raspy voice, one similar to that of an aged life long smoke) For fucks sake, how would you like it if I called you "Hey human!"

Me: Huh? Pardon me?

Chicken: Well you called me "Chicken" but thats not my name, thats what fucking species I am but that is NOT my damn name.

Me: Oh, I am so sorry. Please, forgive me. I did not intend to be so rude. What is your name?

Chicken: Well if you must know, its Frank.

Me: Frank?!?

Frank: Yes, you have a problem with that? Do you have a fucking problem with my name? Huh? (facial expression infers Frank is a little peeved).

Me: No no...I am sorry. I don't have any problem with the name Frank. I think its a wonderful name. I just haven't met many chickens with the name Frank.

Frank: Is that so? Well tell me mister wise ass, how many chickens have you met that can talk?

Me: Well....uh....I guess....

Frank: What? Nothing to say now? No sly insult?

Me: I apologize. How about we continue with this interview.

Frank: Yes yes, before you really make me mad. I hope this is not how you interview other guests.

Me: I'm usually much more pleasant. I sincerely apologize. So, I am sure you get asked this all the time, but I must ask you. Why...

Frank: Before you ask, if you ask me why I crossed the road I'll cut you.

Me: Okay?!?...

Frank: You see, I like to play jokes on people. So I figured I would cross the road for no arbitrary reason and then for the rest of time people would ask why I crossed the road.

Me: So this is all a big joke?


Frank: Well it was. But then it just started to get annoying. All these damn strangers getting all up in my personal space and asking me why I crossed the road.

Me: ...

Frank: And all the bad jokes. I mean seriously people, can't you think of a better reply then "to get to the other side"?

Me: I, uh...

Frank: And then the websites. Thats what pushed me over the edge. All these websites about why I crossed the road and I wasn't getting a penny of the money they earned.

Me: Money?

Frank: Yes, money. You know, the green stuff. They were all making money on ads and what not and I wasn't seeing any of it. It still fucking pisses me off.

Me: I am sorry. I suppose that answers that question. So what can you tell me about your new book.

Frank: Well you see, I got tired of people asking me why I crossed the road so I wrote a book explaining why. Basically everything I just said is mentioned in the book. I assume you never read it?

Me: Uh, no, I am sorry.

Frank: Of course not, because if you did, you wouldn't have come here insulting me and asking me dumb questions and I could have continued watching Days of Our Lives.

Me: I am so sorry.

Frank: There you go apologizing again. I think it would be best if you just leave before you keep insulting me.

Me: Okay. Well I would like to thank you for this opportunity and it was a pleasure meeting you.

Frank: Pleasure? You sure are some kinda idiot. Related to Gomer Pyle are ya? Just shut up and leave.

I quickly gather my things and leave Frank's house. The only thing that I still don't understand is, Frank is a female chicken but she is named after a man. But I digress. Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Now we all know why the chicken, erm, Frank, crossed the road.

Apple and honey and bears, oh my!

I am a user of a Macbook Pro and I have been for quite some time. I am not a "fanboy" as they are called but I do appreciate Apple products and their quality, albeit there are some things that annoy the hell out of me (read: no MMS on iPhone).

I recently had an experience with Apple that did not go at all as I had expected and I figured with all the negative comments floating around the internet about Apple a good comment might be helpful.

My issue started with a slow Macbook Pro (older generation, Core Duo), a failed Apple Hardware Test and what the Apple guys said was a bad logic board. I paid $330 and they replaced the logic board but then my laptop wouldn't go to sleep when I closed the lid. They replaced the top lid and that fixed that. Even after I got it back the AHT would fail but the Apple Genius guys said AHT isn't always reliable.

But the real problem was that ever since I got it back every time I did something CPU intensive the system would just shutdown. I took it in to the Apple store and I was told it was a bad battery (something in the console logs about a shutdown cause 0) so I tried a new battery but that didn't work. I took it back and they claimed to run some CPU intensive programs over night but they never saw it crash.

It kept crashing for me so I took it back to the Apple store and started Chess up with Computer-vs-Computer and the loser option. It crashed the system and the Genius guy saw. I tried to do a secure erase and it also crashed the system. Every time it crashed, the iStat widget showed the CPU temp to be 120 degrees Celsius. They sent it out to replace the logic board again but when I got it back that still didn't fix the problem.

Keep in mind, I had been back to the Apple store over 7 times and they taken it from me for investigation at least 4 times. I took it in one more time and the guy said they were going to replace the fan sensor and that should fix the problem.

Well after I dropped it off to replace the fan sensor I got a call a few days later and they told me that since the laptop had been in and out of the Apple store many times over the course of a month they are just going to give me a new one.

So here I am typing this up on a new MacBook Pro Core 2 Duo 2.4 Ghz with 2 GB ram (my one only had 1 GB) and a 200 GB hard drive (my old one only had 100 GB).

Through the entire process, especially after the 3rd time of going back to Apple I was annoyed but I never got upset. After all, you catch more bears with honey. But I still never expected them to give me a new laptop. I figured at best they would give me back my $330 and say they can't help me.

I have worked retail for a while and I have a lot of experience with computer repair services and I have never had service like that. My last experience with another large computer company (whose name I shall not say to avoid getting sued or something), albeit a positive one, was no where nearly as awesome as this.

I was never really an Apple "Fanboy" before but after these series of events I sure understand why so many people are happy with them. Now all I have to do is wait for the new Mac Minis to come out so I can buy one and see if my Dad wants this Macbook Pro, but knowing him he will try to find out how much I can get for selling it (probably $1,800, it is $2,000 new).

Letting your roots grow...

There is this plant. She is a strong and good plant. Her roots are firm in the soil around her. Sometimes the weather is really bad and it takes a toll on her but she is strong and she stands her ground and stands up tall.

One day she has a seed and she plants the seed close to her. She nurtures the seed as the seed grows to a baby plant. She waters the seed and she shelters the plant from all the bad weather and animals that want to hurt him. She protects that seed like the world depended on it. Sometimes that the baby plant is mean to her but he always loves her, he just never tells her enough.

Soon the baby plant is not a baby anymore. He isn't a big plant yet but with the love of the mother plant he is getting there. But his roots are getting cramped. There isn't enough room in the soil for him. There isn't enough water. There isn't enough sunlight.

One day he gets an opportunity to move to another plot of soil. This plot of soil is far from his mother but this plot of soil is full of nutrients he needs and the sun shines down on it brightly. So he moves to this new plot of soil and he plants his roots deep into the ground.

But his mom is sad. She misses him dearly. She is always calling him and wanting to talk to him so he talks to her. But sometimes she needs to see him so she asks him to come visit her and he does. All he wants to do his make his mother happy, for after all, without her, he is nothing.

Well time passes and eventually she wilts away and dies. Nothing bad happened, she was just an old plant. But she died happy. Her son loved her and talked to her and spent all his time with her and that made her happy. And she knew that he, her son would be able to take care of himself and that he would one day have a baby plant of his own. She had high hopes for her son and that is why she died happy.

But what she doesn't know is that he, her son, died shortly after she died. You see, that baby plant only had two things keeping him alive. One of them were his roots which were in the soil. But, because he always had to un-root himself whenever he went to go visit her, his roots were not rooted very deeply. And instead of spending his energy collecting water, so he could grow, when it rained, because it rained so rarely, he spent his time talking to her and making her happy. So his roots were not deep enough to collect the nutrients he needed and he didn't have enough water to make him grow.

The other thing keeping him alive was his mother. See, he wasn't collecting nutrients and water from the ground, but he had his mother and her love and that is all he needed to grow and be strong and stay alive, even when he wasn't around her. But, when his mother died, he lost the one thing keeping him alive. He lost his only reason to live, so he too, quietly passed away. And that is how this story ends.

Saddness

So I heard you feel like shit,
Brusied and battered, like a baseball mit.
I know you're feeling really down,
How would you like a funny clown?

I tried to think of what to say,
To make you smile and brighten your day.
I tried to find some inspiration,
But all I can think of is masturbation.

Keep these things in your mind,
Whenever you're stuck in a bind.
Life is short, so enjoy it well,
Always smile, and don't buy a dell.

Things are never as bad as they appear,
Forget your problems and drink a beer.
Maybe you could get a mutt,
To help you get out of that stinkin rut.

Emotionally tired is what you said,
So take a break and rest in bed.
You once told me things could be worse,
Like an accident or a stolen purse.

Avoid the things that make you cry,
So have a party and eat a pie.
Think of things that make you smile.
How do you like my writing style?

Count your blessings, like your many friends,
And forget about that nice ass benz.
Life and love are what matter most,
So have some fun and go to the coast.

And one last thing I want to say,
Before were done with this crazy day.
Even though you may think I'm gay,
Let me know if I can help in any way.

Our friendship may be very new,
But your saddness makes me oh so blue.
I need to think of two more lines,
But I'm out of words and out of wine.

Happy Rose Day!!

Our friendship may be very new,
But girls like you, I know so few.

I wanted to leave a flower behind,
But a thought came to my mind.

Real roses will wilt and fade,
The thorns will cut just like a blade.

But this picture will never die,
Or ever make you want to cry.

Like the calming ocean tides.
Enjoy the beauty it provides,

One last thing I want to say,
Please enjoy this beautiful day.

Happy Rose Day!!

My Heart

I smell your perfume,
From across the room,
My heart starts beating,
A little faster.

I see your silhouette,
From the corner of my eye.
My heart starts beating,
A lot faster.

I see your face,
As you stand in front of me.
My heart starts beating,
Even faster.

I see your lips move,
As you whisper someones name.
My heart starts beating,
Absurdly faster.

I see your eyes,
Look right to me.
My heart starts beating,
A mile a minute.

I see your hips move,
As you walk towards me.
My heart starts beating,
A million miles a minute.

I see your hair flutter,
As you glide on air.
My heart starts beating,
Like never before.

I see your body,
As you walk right past me.
My heart...
just...
stops.