I'm here in (location removed at the request of Frank) at the home of "Chicken" who has chosen to come forward and finally speak about his life, his decision to cross the road and his new book "Where's the damn road?"
It's a rather dark and dreary house with no lights except for one lamp sitting on a table with what appears to be a few weeks old scrambled eggs in a pizza box. Chicken sits in a large lounge chair smoking a cigar and wearing one of those hats guys used to wear in the 40s.
Me: Hello Chicken. I would like to take this time to thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to hold an interview with me. You have no idea how...
Chicken: (in a deep raspy voice, one similar to that of an aged life long smoke) For fucks sake, how would you like it if I called you "Hey human!"
Me: Huh? Pardon me?
Chicken: Well you called me "Chicken" but thats not my name, thats what fucking species I am but that is NOT my damn name.
Me: Oh, I am so sorry. Please, forgive me. I did not intend to be so rude. What is your name?
Chicken: Well if you must know, its Frank.
Me: Frank?!?
Frank: Yes, you have a problem with that? Do you have a fucking problem with my name? Huh? (facial expression infers Frank is a little peeved).
Me: No no...I am sorry. I don't have any problem with the name Frank. I think its a wonderful name. I just haven't met many chickens with the name Frank.
Frank: Is that so? Well tell me mister wise ass, how many chickens have you met that can talk?
Me: Well....uh....I guess....
Frank: What? Nothing to say now? No sly insult?
Me: I apologize. How about we continue with this interview.
Frank: Yes yes, before you really make me mad. I hope this is not how you interview other guests.
Me: I'm usually much more pleasant. I sincerely apologize. So, I am sure you get asked this all the time, but I must ask you. Why...
Frank: Before you ask, if you ask me why I crossed the road I'll cut you.
Me: Okay?!?...
Frank: You see, I like to play jokes on people. So I figured I would cross the road for no arbitrary reason and then for the rest of time people would ask why I crossed the road.
Me: So this is all a big joke?
Frank: Well it was. But then it just started to get annoying. All these damn strangers getting all up in my personal space and asking me why I crossed the road.
Me: ...
Frank: And all the bad jokes. I mean seriously people, can't you think of a better reply then "to get to the other side"?
Me: I, uh...
Frank: And then the websites. Thats what pushed me over the edge. All these websites about why I crossed the road and I wasn't getting a penny of the money they earned.
Me: Money?
Frank: Yes, money. You know, the green stuff. They were all making money on ads and what not and I wasn't seeing any of it. It still fucking pisses me off.
Me: I am sorry. I suppose that answers that question. So what can you tell me about your new book.
Frank: Well you see, I got tired of people asking me why I crossed the road so I wrote a book explaining why. Basically everything I just said is mentioned in the book. I assume you never read it?
Me: Uh, no, I am sorry.
Frank: Of course not, because if you did, you wouldn't have come here insulting me and asking me dumb questions and I could have continued watching Days of Our Lives.
Me: I am so sorry.
Frank: There you go apologizing again. I think it would be best if you just leave before you keep insulting me.
Me: Okay. Well I would like to thank you for this opportunity and it was a pleasure meeting you.
Frank: Pleasure? You sure are some kinda idiot. Related to Gomer Pyle are ya? Just shut up and leave.
I quickly gather my things and leave Frank's house. The only thing that I still don't understand is, Frank is a female chicken but she is named after a man. But I digress. Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Now we all know why the chicken, erm, Frank, crossed the road.
It's a rather dark and dreary house with no lights except for one lamp sitting on a table with what appears to be a few weeks old scrambled eggs in a pizza box. Chicken sits in a large lounge chair smoking a cigar and wearing one of those hats guys used to wear in the 40s.
Me: Hello Chicken. I would like to take this time to thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to hold an interview with me. You have no idea how...
Chicken: (in a deep raspy voice, one similar to that of an aged life long smoke) For fucks sake, how would you like it if I called you "Hey human!"
Me: Huh? Pardon me?
Chicken: Well you called me "Chicken" but thats not my name, thats what fucking species I am but that is NOT my damn name.
Me: Oh, I am so sorry. Please, forgive me. I did not intend to be so rude. What is your name?
Chicken: Well if you must know, its Frank.
Me: Frank?!?
Frank: Yes, you have a problem with that? Do you have a fucking problem with my name? Huh? (facial expression infers Frank is a little peeved).
Me: No no...I am sorry. I don't have any problem with the name Frank. I think its a wonderful name. I just haven't met many chickens with the name Frank.
Frank: Is that so? Well tell me mister wise ass, how many chickens have you met that can talk?
Me: Well....uh....I guess....
Frank: What? Nothing to say now? No sly insult?
Me: I apologize. How about we continue with this interview.
Frank: Yes yes, before you really make me mad. I hope this is not how you interview other guests.
Me: I'm usually much more pleasant. I sincerely apologize. So, I am sure you get asked this all the time, but I must ask you. Why...
Frank: Before you ask, if you ask me why I crossed the road I'll cut you.
Me: Okay?!?...
Frank: You see, I like to play jokes on people. So I figured I would cross the road for no arbitrary reason and then for the rest of time people would ask why I crossed the road.
Me: So this is all a big joke?
Frank: Well it was. But then it just started to get annoying. All these damn strangers getting all up in my personal space and asking me why I crossed the road.
Me: ...
Frank: And all the bad jokes. I mean seriously people, can't you think of a better reply then "to get to the other side"?
Me: I, uh...
Frank: And then the websites. Thats what pushed me over the edge. All these websites about why I crossed the road and I wasn't getting a penny of the money they earned.
Me: Money?
Frank: Yes, money. You know, the green stuff. They were all making money on ads and what not and I wasn't seeing any of it. It still fucking pisses me off.
Me: I am sorry. I suppose that answers that question. So what can you tell me about your new book.
Frank: Well you see, I got tired of people asking me why I crossed the road so I wrote a book explaining why. Basically everything I just said is mentioned in the book. I assume you never read it?
Me: Uh, no, I am sorry.
Frank: Of course not, because if you did, you wouldn't have come here insulting me and asking me dumb questions and I could have continued watching Days of Our Lives.
Me: I am so sorry.
Frank: There you go apologizing again. I think it would be best if you just leave before you keep insulting me.
Me: Okay. Well I would like to thank you for this opportunity and it was a pleasure meeting you.
Frank: Pleasure? You sure are some kinda idiot. Related to Gomer Pyle are ya? Just shut up and leave.
I quickly gather my things and leave Frank's house. The only thing that I still don't understand is, Frank is a female chicken but she is named after a man. But I digress. Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Now we all know why the chicken, erm, Frank, crossed the road.
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